Betrayal of What’s Right
By Fortunato D
“Whether it is killing or being killed, a soldier must contend with the finite. But when he looks into the eyes of a child, __innocence is infinite.”
Anonymous Vietnam Veteran Quote from the movie “Soldier’s Heart”
It was late August 2005, when 3rd Battalion Fourth Marines came home from Fallujah, Iraq. I remember banners on wire fences, signs with names of Marines made by their families, the word “Hero” being thrown around like confetti. I also remember prior service members wearing remnants of what used to be their service utility uniforms filled with different “Moto” (Marine slang for motivation) patches. Other retired service members and supportive mothers of other service members waving cell phones for use of lone homecoming Marines and Sailors. An ocean of people swarmed around the buses and people on top of their vehicles to get a better view. Most of all, I remember the smiles and tears of my family and the face of my soon to be one year old son. Leaving the command from augmentation was a blur. Go here, do that. Return this, sign that. Now leave and go back to your previous duty station. There were 10 of us from our mother unit from Lemoore Naval Air Station Hospital. There was JP, David, Nelson, Jim, Ed, a guy we called “Bob”, Manny, Hamman, Brock and I. Among us that came home, I was closest to Ed, Jim and David. We faced similar problems and dilemmas from coming home. I knew nothing about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. All I knew was that we all agreed that we hated so many things and people when we came home. We just came home different. David was a “Happy go lucky” kind of guy. He was known for being friendly and sensitive to needs of others. When he came home, he was less sensitive. He was angry at some of the people in his department half the time. Jim was the same. One night his wife informed me that he “Geared up” and went into the prone position and stated he was holding security. Ed was somewhat like me. We both had the feeling of guilt, sadness and sorrow. Ed and I usually spent some time with each other when we are off duty. We talked about Iraq sometimes but we’d get teary eyed so we avoided it unless we felt strongly about some things on some days. Our biggest topics about Iraq would usually be about the guilt of feeling the way we do coming home when there are guys that went two to three tours and seem fine. Ed’s family is my version of a model family. He has a wife, three wonderful loving children, a dog, two cars, a motorcycle and a house with a pool. He always held strong and seemed invincible yet nurturing as a father. But away from his children and around me, he showed me how vulnerable he was. How vulnerable we both were from coming home. I faced the dilemma of feeling like I had a score to settle. I felt like I needed to be back with the unit for the next deployment. I felt like I needed to be back with the Marines I fought with. I was numb towards my own feelings and my own welfare. I was abrasive and very alert to everything. I was mad at co-workers. I hated anyone in uniform of higher rank except for a few. The same hatred stemmed to higher ranking officers and enlisted members that never picked up a rifle and stomped their boots in the desert and acted like I needed to do as they say. I have had incidents with patients because of the short fuse I had which I have never had before. I was in denial that I needed help. My PCM (Primary Care Manager) suggested I get seen across the street. That place was the mental health division of the hospital. No one liked the name of that place because it seemed so much like a “crazy person” place. It was not what it seemed. It was just a small clinic with a psychologist, a psychiatrist and two technicians and no wards nor beds. She (my PCM) suggested I go and told me that everyone that came home was ordered to go as protocol. I refused it and carried on with ignorance for a year. I always found an excuse for whatever was wrong at the time. On Veteran’s day that next year, I fell apart.
It was on a duty weekend which meant I was alone in the pharmacy that day. I had a few patients from the outpatient side and some IV’s to make for the inpatient division of the hospital. Around 1300 (1pm), I had a patient in my window. Across the hall was a television playing CNN’s special on Veteran’s Day. In that particular hour they focused on Iraq war veterans so I couldn’t help but listen while I tend to my patient. The “taps” tune in commemoration for the deceased started playing and in that moment, I felt a powerful rush of emotions and cried. I went to the back of the pharmacy and grieved in between shelves and I couldn’t explain how painful it felt to feel the way I did. In that moment, I knew I needed to seek help. I went across the street the very next day and made an appointment. I knew that some of my friends were being seen there as well so I was compelled to ask of how their experiences were. I received mixed answers. Most agree that the therapy they were receiving was for the lack of a better term, “crap.” Ed on the other hand, provided me with insight. He said “It depends who you wanna’ be, do you want to be that guy holding a sign in the freeway entrance asking for money because you f’d up your life after, or the guy that took full advantage of the benefits that you (I) earned and get somewhere in life?” That stuck to me till this day. He also gave me the idea that I should selectively pick between what would benefit me in those sessions with the psychologist. I learned from experience that our primary groups change after a significant period of time. The veterans have a harder time adjusting to coming home than adjusting to being in the combat zone because the danger in combat is already expected. In my own words, I believe veterans put themselves in a completely different environment feeling like the world we knew will be the same when we come home. But unfortunately, nothing is the same. My mother was different, my sister, my spouse and my four-month old was a One year old. The society I knew has changed. The music, my friends’ interests and numerous other factors that disabled me from getting back to my picture of normal was non-existent.
My little bit about Iraq
At the time I was there, I knew nothing about the culture. I was never good at world history either so I had to learn hands-on. The conflicts between Sunnis and Shiites have been going on since the dawn of both religions. I believe it is very ethnocentric to believe that they are “Religious Warriors” and are there for Jihad (holy war). I cannot impose that idea to them at the time because it was their way of life. I also believed that I should not get myself too close to the subject especially for being nowhere close to that religion. We were informed that one of our roles there after our surge of Fallujah (Also known as Conflicts “Vigilant Resolve” and “Phantom Fury”) is policing the area and keeping them from fighting each other. Besides the conflict perspective between the categories, that military directive in particular reminds me of an “Interactionist Perspective” as described in class. It is hard to say so because it is the country of Iraq that is being mentioned. How it is set forth to us to be accomplished is what I deem to be an approach of such the perspective. The military instructs us to intervene and (or) guide its own rebuilding “city” from waging war against each other (which is what reminds me of a micro-sociological like order versus its macro, the country of Iraq). Our main job after the surge was to teach their military our knowledge. The language barrier and difference in culture made it hard. Their folkways and mores made it even harder. Something as simple as going to the bathroom for them was so different that it made my Marines so appalled that they didn’t want to interact with them. The Iraqi Army’s platoon was intimidated by my Marines. Some were eager to learn, some were just there for the paycheck (they were more like deadweights). Some could speak English but didn’t want to lead by example. Some were very motivated but lack the academic edge. Some were just dysfunctions there to create deviance in their own society. In the small (for the lack of a better word) tribes controlled by the Iraqi government and US military’s peacekeeping, they seem to have a sense of observing religious tolerance. In these small tribes, they were run by the elders of what reminds me of an achieved status. Hadjis were the older males sought to be wise and the military’s liaisons when it comes to public affairs. Hadjias were the females in all black. They were believed to have been sent or reincarnated by their prophets (as I can recall). They had distinct tattoos, highly respected, revered and are always covered. In small parts between these tribes, the conflict continues and overlaps into these tribes and creates casualties. We usually get involved and even more casualties occur. This snowballing effect of chaos I believe contributes to the birth of new insurgents.
“On a tour of this country… I have visited eighteen governmental hospitals for veteran. In them are a total of about fifty thousand destroyed men… Men who were the pick of the nation eighteen years ago… Boys with a normal viewpoint were taken out of the fields and offices and factories and classrooms and put into the ranks. There they were remolded; they were made over; they were made to “about-face”; to regard murder as the order of the day. They were entirely changed. We used them for a couple of years and trained them to think nothing at all about killing or being killed. Then suddenly, we discharge them and told them to make another “about-face!” We didn’t need them anymore…”
-Major General Smedley Butler USMC
(Two time recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor from a
letter written and excerpted Washington 1995)
Penny Coleman’s Flashback, 2006
Personally, this book is a book that is written in a third person account on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Penny Coleman’s motivation on writing this book involves herself as well with a previous relationship with a veteran with similar problems. It is well written and not so much as your typical military book filled with military-like jargon. It is a book that starts off talking about the Iraq war but the meat of it is found in Vietnam’s war for the meat of its studies are from there.
It says that in August 2003, suicides were increasing drastically in Iraq. That motivated the Army to send a team of experts to perform a study. The findings confirmed suicide rates as high three times greater than normal. I found it sociologically relative that among these suicides, it is the result of insufficient life coping skills. These involve examples such as marital, legal, financial problems, substance abuse and mood disorders. In her research, she states that in the DSM’s (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) original definition of PTSD as “Falling outside the range of human experience.” PTSD has in fact been around since the civil war. Its ancestor went by the name “Irritable Heart” or “Nostalgia.” World War I had its popular name “Shell-shock.” World War II had “War Neurosis”. Vietnam had “Post-Vietnam Syndrome.” In the beginning of her book, you will find a foreword by Jonathan Shay. Jonathan Shay is the Staff Psychiatrist at the Department of Veteran Affairs Outpatient Clinic out of Boston, Massachusetts. He is highly acclaimed by her as an “Author, Psychiatrist and Classics Scholar”. He describes PTSD as “A legitimate war wound and that the veterans who suffer its injury [carry] the burdens of sacrifice for the rest of us as surely as the amputees, the burned, the blind, and the paralyzed carry them.” She also informs of his book “Achilles in Vietnam” which parallels the behaviors and symptoms of Achilles to veterans in Vietnam and finds them as strikingly similar. An example of this found in her book is Achilles’ rage at the death of Patroclus and sense of betrayal from his commander Agamemnon. He then directs pain and atrocities against the living and the dead. One of the most important things he learned from his patients is that a betrayal of “themis” or “what’s right” is at the root of much of the psychic pain suffered by veterans. He describes that there are three major categories of institutional failure in which themis is betrayed. Those are: a) Appropriate training and equipment, b) Unit cohesion and c) Competent, ethical and supported leadership. I strongly agree with these categories because I can identify certain gripes I recalled saying and hearing (from my Marines). We had the “WORST” Humvees in my opinion. I noticed the edges of these Humvees were held together with 5/50 cord and zip-ties (Compared to the Army’s Humvees). The unit cohesion was great in the “Squad-level.” The Platoon level and up all the way to Company and Battalion levels was where the problems were. There was always the favoritism played between platoons by the higher enlisted and commissioned officers. Who gets the R and R, which platoon gets the “Dirty Work”, etc. Our leadership was not the best leadership either. We had a fresh out of Officer Candidate School 2nd Lt.That the 2nd and 3rd timers didn’t trust and that they thought that he wouldn’t know what he’s doing.
I learned a very interesting word while reading this book. The term “Pseudo-Speciation”, a process for which is the ability of humans and primates to classify members of their own species as “other” so they can kill “Non-Specifics.” During my deployment, I felt that there was never any time for thinking about compassion and niceties. I was either saving civilian casualties or policing in a stern and emotionless state. I went from pulling high valued individuals out of their car windows and homes to dragging old bloody civilians out of the line of fire to teaching the Iraqi Army basic medical knowledge in one day. Major Peter Kilner, an active-duty officer who taught philosophy at West Point, says in this book “Soldiers who kill reflexively in combat will likely one day reconsider their actions reflectively… This guilt manifests itself as PTSD and has damaged the lives of thousands of men who performed their duty in combat.” I feel like this is a very good reason why the specific wave of personnel who came from Lemoore augmented into 3rd
Battalion 4th Marines in Fallujah felt the way they did coming home. I believe that it is safe for me to say we have done our job keeping our Marines alive and ready for combat. We have also played our part very well and professionally in combat. I do know however, that some days, especially on our worst days we find ourselves as insensitive as the enemy we are there to eliminate when it comes to upholding rules, regulations and escalation of force.
On Call in Hell 2007
Cdr. Richard Jadick is a recipient of the Bronze Star with a Combat V for valor. He writes about his experiences in Fallujah as a war doctor and his efforts on bringing the most expedient medical assistance to the front lines. I favor this book foremost for it is the same combat theater that I was in on the same time this happened except their battalion was not the same as ours. The stories are familiar like I was there, but told from another man’s words. Though there is not much of PTSD and studies of it, he addresses it in his epilogue “Life after Hell.” He tells of some of his Corpsmen and their emotions about the aftermath. One in particular, a Second Class Petty Officer explains how he has
“shut down” around Nov, 2004 after an ambush. His Second Class states that he has “No emotions anymore” and that “Once you’ve turned them off it’s hard to turn them back on again.” Cdr. States that “No matter how tough you are, those demons are going to find a way to come out and haunt you.” He describes some of these symptoms as reactions from PTSD. They are severe anxiety attacks, depression, mood swings and even surprisingly an acquired stutter. Among others, he describes some of his fellow Brothers-in –Arms and their ways of dealing with their trauma such as “hitting the bottle”, self-isolation and detachment to a socially normal lifestyle. The negative aspects were not the focus of his epilogue. They were actually the successes that his Corpsmen are achieving. Some of them are keeping busy whether it is school or just keeping healthy. A Third Class Petty Officer states that he is now working on becoming an EMT. Another says “I try and tell myself that there are two attitudes to have in life,” he says “and that’s positive or real positive. There’s no time for negativity.” It is well understood that it is not always easy to do so but witnessing war out there can teach valuable life lessons which can be used to appreciate the life at home, even things as simple as indoor plumbing.
Darling mother I’m so weary, from the stains of blue and grey.
Take my soul across the river, pull my hand and help me brave.
When I left Sarah was crying, promises she’ll wait for me.
Please don’t worry my untrue love; I’ll be home in a week or three…
Shiny buckles, the flags are waving, we both knew that God’s on my side.
The armies fall, the armies suffer.
I’ve watched the young men fall and die and I heard the angels cry.
And whiskey won’t stop the dreams, Feels like I’m living with the dead.
Oh the war goes on inside me.
No peace from the devils in my head.
I am bound a world apart, living with a “Soldier’s Heart…”
Stephen Allan Davis(Song from movie “Soldier’s Heart” by Brian Delate)
Soldier’s Heart by Brian Delate, 2008
The movie “Soldier’s Heart” tells about Elliot and his trials in everyday life in dealing with PTSD. He learns lessons in life regarding his inability to connect with past and present relationships. In this movie as well, he gains a better understanding of his father who is a WWII veteran and his long time best friend as well. He was a veteran with financial problems. He invested in a water filter business that he struggles to try to get off the ground, also an aspiring actor who lacks the patience for demanding casting directors. He was called by a director in making a documentary about Vietnam. These interviews bear a striking resemblance to what I can recollect as if I would be the person interviewed. His first questions were his motivation for entering the military. He stated that he just wanted to be a hero. He wanted to equate to his parents and grandparents the way I wanted to see how I would do myself. My grandfather was a WWII vet. He was considered as a “War Hero” in his province in the Philippines. He even has a bridge in his name. I always looked up to him because he seemed invincible. Little did we know what he went through until he passed away. Upon his death was a suitcase filled with his memoirs and war stories that only his wife (my grandmother) kept safe.
Other interview questions like “When did you first realize you were in Vietnam?” were asked. He tells of rockets everywhere and not as terrified as he should be mainly because there just wasn’t enough time to be scared. Mine was slightly different. It was sniper fire above a mansion in the city of Fallujah. He talks about his job as a casualty mover in a Huey chopper and while moving a casualty, a round misses him and kills his patient instantly. He goes into a frozen state and the crew chief (named Godzilla) shakes him out of it and gets him back into the chopper. He then asks himself “How come I didn’t get hit”? One striking part of the interview involves him talking about firing into a tree line and accidentally killing a child. He states that he didn’t care that day. But, he insinuates thinking of the child when he hears children in the background and that as the origin of his fears of having a child with his second wife. I thank God everyday for not having taken a child’s life. But I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt for one child in particular. His name was Khaled. To make a long story short (with my greatest need to do so), this innocent child had to witness his older brother and military age males in the household get taken away for living in the same home that the American beheadings took place. It was a special operation with the FBI. I watched my Marines raid through the homes fast and precise while this child stood there crying at the gates of this parents’ home. I took him into my arms and tried to comfort him. I tried to tell him in my broken Arabic “Ente Zien” which means, “You’ll be ok.” I escorted him everywhere he needed to go to avoid witnessing anymore traumatizing events. I remember him walking barefoot everywhere, on glass, rusted tin roofing, gravel and broken glass so he could see his older brother and make sure he was okay. I feel that this event in my life has given me an appreciation to a child’s innocence and should never be tainted with the horrors of war. I love my son even more for this. Closer to the end of the movie, he reveals that his father never wrote to him in Vietnam and he seems to be hurt from it. Later on, he sees a shoebox of memoirs from his letters home and finds his father’s attempt at writing to him. It only says “Dear Elliot.” He figures out in the movie that his father really cared about him and that he wanted to write him. He just wasn’t good with those words (probably from being a war veteran with the same problems himself). His best friend reveals that when he came home, he attempted to commit suicide via motorcycle and that Elliot’s father came to him and said “How dare you try to take your life while Elliot’s still out there.” Those words stuck to his best friend and he kept it secret from Elliot out of shame. As he tells Elliot that story, He gains a new found respect for the love of his late father (who died with the movie’s progression).
Courage After Fire 2006
This book talks about troops and their reactions to war, grieving and coping strategies to strengthen the enlisted member after coming home. It is a book beneficial to the service members’ families to aid their hero because coming home does not mean the fight is over. These chapters explain how the service members’ views change upon coming home. Some find themselves feeling like there is no future because of the psychological trauma involving an injury, an amputation, failed marriage and other problems. At the end of this book lies a comprehensive listing of how one can receive help ranging from the Veterans Affairs to education to self –help advocacies and sleep help. A definite problem that returning veterans do not get educated on is to get help for themselves. It seems like veterans only care about coming home and “getting out.” The caveat of the urgency to leave hastily is that they do not pay attention to what they need to do when they get out. One thing is certain about this book about veterans coming home; the service member needs a good support system.
Gunny Ford
I interviewed Jim Ford, a retired Gunnery Sergeant from the USMC who works at our building. He was the first black sailor aboard the USS Power DD 839. He left the Navy after his first term and decided to join the Marines. He states before our interview that he’s going to need to “brush off the cobwebs” in his mind before we do so. He tells me his perception that war is ugly, cruel and insensitive to human feelings. He remembers Vietnam as a bad dream, a dream we all cannot seem to forget but want to really bad. A lot of his friends were killed in battle, but they died fighting for their country. He also states, “Vietnamese and Americans should be praised for their involvement, but not for the political intrigue.” On a side note, he tells me how around the Marine Corps birthday he and his buddies used to spend time with each other before. That is harder now especially that they all live elsewhere. But around those days, all it takes is a phone call and the words “Semper-Fi.” I have the same relations with my war buddies. We do the same thing except it falls around July 7th, a day I will always remember in that deployment.
Conclusion
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is definitely a contributing factor to post-war suicides and the numbers are increasing. As long as there is war, there will be casualties. Sometimes, the casualties do not die until they come home. Life-coping skills are definitely put to the test when the service member comes home and “what’s right” in his eyes feel changed once more. A person asked me how it felt coming home once, I felt very isolated at the time and I replied “It’s like I was put in a shoebox, then at least once a day I get shaken in this box. Now do that for eight months and then take me out and ask me to be normal. My opinions have definitely changed after the war in Iraq. My opinions on the value of life, my coping skills and the way I see things. I have less patience for the petty, more love and appreciation for family. When I am at my lowest, war tendencies and survival instincts kick in. It helps to have them but it also brings me down emotionally when triggered.
